January 31...

Today is my biological father's birthday. Sometimes I feel sadness that I never got to meet him, other times I feel anger that he made the choices he did. There are times I want to know the truth and others that I would rather not. Seeing my husband with our daughter makes me happy and I can't imagine him not being in her life. I don't think anything can replace that relationship.

As a child I would have dreams that I would grow up and find my dad and he would be happy to see me. When I was 11, we found out that he had passed away in 1991 (I was 7). I cried a lot, not so much for the man as for the dreams I had that now would never come true. After that, I had a period that I was just plain angry at him. I hated him for making the choices he made. I hated him for dying. I even had a point where I was angry with my mom for keeping us away from him, as irrational as my emotions were, I still "loved" this man that I didn't know! With his passing, we were put in tough with some family from his side. My Uncle Russ, my Bio dad's brother, and a half sister that was about 14 years older than me. At first, we would see them both quite often. We lived in Lockwood and my uncle lived in Pacific Grove and my Sister lived in Salida. After about a year, they both just seemed to drop off the face of the earth and we didn't hear from them anymore. Once Facebook came around, I was able to track down my older sister, but I feel like we just can't form a bond after all these years. We send the occasional text and play a word game here and there, but no "sisterly love". She knew our father more than anyone else I know but we don't talk about him at all. Perhaps one day the relationship will work itself out.

As I grew into an adult, I let all my feelings of resentment go. I looked back on my childhood and guess what I saw? My Dad! We might not be biologically related, but he is my dad. He came into my life when I was about 5, and I still have a relationship with him today. My daughter calls him "Papa Mike". I call him Dad or Mike. He has his own struggles but I know that if I really needed him, he would be there for me, and I hope he feels the same! Between my Grandpa and Mike, I managed to grow up and I like to think I turned out okay!

So, instead of this day being a sad day, I am choosing to be thankful for the Father I was given, rather than the one that wasn't there. They say that a girl will choose a husband like her father, I have to say, I chose one like my Dad, not my father. To me, they are two very different people!